Hagrid Goes on A Thirty Day Diet
by ivorypanther
Summary: What kind of plot ensues when the ministry orders Hagrid to go on a thirty day diet? UTTER MADNESS MUAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
1. Hagrid gets an idea

**Attention, Ivorypanther proudly presents…**

**A STORY THAT IS TOTALLY IGNORANT OF THE WHOLE UNBELIEVEBLY SAD PLOT THAT J.K. ROWLING COOKED UP IN HER MEANIE TWISTED MIND THAT INVOLVES PIXIE STICKS, BUNNIES, ICE CREAM, AND HAGRID ON A THIRTY DAY DIET WHICH I THOUGH UP BECAUSE I'M NOT ALLOWED TO GET ON THE INTERNET WHICH REALLY SUCKS. **

One day Hagrid was bored, days like that seemed like a common recurrence since Dumbledore had been killed Hagrid suddenly came up with a bloody brilliant idea. HEEEYYYY! (Hagrid thinks a minute about killing people with his pretty pink umbrella.) Why don't I hire somebody to kill whats his name, that greasy guy with the cool hair that said, "I am Snape the potions master." Constantly in the potter puppet pals! (That never gets old.)

He thought about bunnies eating pixie sticks for several minutes for no apparent reason before remembering that his name was Snape. So, Hagrid looked up the word assassin in the dictionary to make sure his spelling was correct, then looked up assassin in the wizarding community telephone book and called the number. _Ring ring ring ring ring ring. _It continued to do this for several hours. Suddenly the phone picked up and a snakelike voice answered on the other end.

"YEEESSS this is Voldemort." Hagrid frowned; did he have the wrong number? "If you're wondering why this is Voldemort, our federal funding from the ministry of magic got pulled because the death eaters refused to endorse the show about the little ponies. I don't know why not either… the ponies looked so cute, and fluffy, and they had pretty pink rainbows over their sweet little happy eyes, (rambles on for several days about ponies.) anyways, this is Voldemort's pony-I-mean-assassin company, how can I help you? "Uh, sorry wrong number."

Crud, I always get all the weirdoes… I guess I'll just have to kill him myself. Hagrid picked up his umbrella and walked out the door to his hut; suddenly the centaurs burst out of the woods and started throwing lit torches at his hut. Hagrid turned around and watched them for a minute. _Wow, pretty fire…_then he signaled the knight bus and made his way to Diagon alley. (Don't ask me how the crap he signaled it.)

When Hagrid got there, the streets were as deserted as when Harry had been there, but there was still that scary old guy selling amulets. "Hello sir, do you want an amulet?" Hagrid screamed for several minutes while saying,

"AHHH GET AWAY FROM ME SCARY PERSON!" Hagrid ran until he saw the minister of magic, Mr. _Whoreallygivesacrapaboutwhatmynameis_ and Snape, the potions master. Hagrid was mad so he conveniently thought about the glad trash bags commercial to make him feel psychotic again. He pulled out his umbrella and fired a killing curse at Snape.

Unfortunately, Hagrid accidentally hit Mr. _Whoreallygivesacrapaboutwhatmynameis,_ and killed him instead of killing Snape, and the only damage he did to Snape was ruining his cool looking hair. Suddenly, a truck of armed yard gnomes grabbed Hagrid and pulled him off to a dungeon in Canada. Once in Canada, the new minister, Arnold Schwartzenator came into his cell to discuss his current situation. "Hey! I thought you were the governor of California!"

Arnold then turned his head regally in the really screwed way that he usually does and said "I'm ARNOLD SCHWARTZENATOR (trumpet music comes on for several seconds) and I can do anything I like! By the way, GET A MASTER CARD!" "What the heck does THAT have to do anything?" Arnold responded to Hagrid's mildly witty reply, "BECAUSE THIS FAN-FIC IS ONE HUGE BLARING COMMERCIAL! The trumpet music sounded again.

"Anyways, you're going to stand trial next week for..." Hagrid responded, "killing the minister of magic?" "No, nobody ever really gave a crap about him; you're going on trial for ruining Snape's hair because we all thought it looked awesome! Good day!" Arnold then skipped off eating a jumbo pixie stick, leaving Hagrid in his cell.

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So… is it good? I've had a lot of fun with this story REVIEW IT PLEASE


	2. Hagrid LOVES bunnies!

Wow! Two people reviewed the last chapter in TEN MINUTES! It usually takes a day to even get one review. I feel so special! DO THE GUINEA PIG OOT OOTT! He he… anyways… have any of my reviewers ever seen the Potter Puppet pals? They have their own official website, click on this link and watch them before you continue reading if you want to understand this chapter.  thanx!

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Hagrid was bored. You could only play table hockey with yard gnomes for so long before you started to feel neurotic, so Hagrid decided to play with his invisible friend, "Binky the scary neurotic pink bunny rabbit." Suddenly, Arnold Shwartzenegger skipped through the door wearing a blue tutu with his pixie stick that was flavored** Arnold Schwartzenegger is currently eating this flavor of pixie stick be blinded by his glorious retardedness you pathetic mere mortal** flavored pixie stick that was invented in his honor, stepping on "Binky the neurotic pink bunny rabbit."

"You… you you KILLED MY BUNNY!" Hagrid's eyes turned pink, and suddenly he started to shake. Hagrid suddenly sprouted a short pink tail and malicious flaming wings that sparkled with an eerie pink glow in the dim light of the dungeon. "MUAHHAHAHAHAHAHA! I AM THE REINCARNATED SOUL OF MR. FLUFILOPAGUS BINKY PURPLBUNNY THE FIVETHOUSANDTHFIVEHUNDRED ANDTHIRTYSEVENTH! (Thunder crashes.) "YOU SHALL DIE! FACE MY EERIE PINK WRATH!"

Arnold Shwatzenegger screamed like a little girl flavored chimpanzee for several hours. "Is yous dones yet mere mortal?" "Wait a minute. Golly gosh, why do you have to be so RUDE?" Arnold continued to scream until he passed out three days later. The armored yard gnomes then dragged Arnold away screaming about neurotic (the author likes that word) pixie sticks.

Hagrid was taken away to his trial for messing up Snape's hair. When he arrived at the ministry of magic, he and the hippie on crack, or was it puppet Dumbledore, were to be brought on trial, the puppet Dumbledore's being first. Apparently being a nudist is a federal offense if you go streaking down diagon alley. Hagrid was then left in the waiting room for several days. After the third day, he finally realized that he was sitting in a broom closet filled with dumgbombs, "alas!"

The armored yard gnomes then appeared Hagrid was then dragged out of the closet by his beard, and into a huge room that resembled the inside of Chucky Cheese. The minister of magic was painting his toenails with, 'happy strawberry' scented markers. "Crap, how the heck do you conjure a frigging bottle of nail polish, this place TOTALLY sucks. Where's my manager? I think the stress of this stupid job is TOTALLY ruining my perfect complexion." Voldemort looked really POed. Wait a minute? Voldemort?

"Totally STOP staring at me, you're ruining my skin. I was the second choice for the minister of magic after Arnold, OH he is SO dreamy. Voldemort then stared into space for a few days daydreaming about Arnold Schwartzenegger. ANYWAYS… that gay puppet's trial finally ended, and I sent him, TO THE RAGING PIT OF THE INFERNO WHERE THE SUN NEVER SHINES, TWIGHLIGHT NEVER FALLS! MUAHHAHAHAHAHA! For a second the old fiery hate for Dumbledore shone in his eyes, quickly snuffed. "So, like, because I am the new minister of magic, and you can't pay for Snape's hair. HAHAHAHA!" (The death eaters don't joins so Voldemort pokes Luscious Malfoy with a stick for several minutes till they all join in unenthusiastically.) "Hahahaha."

"ANYWAYS… I and my self appointed league of death eaters sentence you to a THIRTY DAY DIET!" "MUAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" "You will then be the spokesman for my diet commercial, briefly showing a picture of you before, and after your makeover! It will be brief because I need most of it so people WILL TOTALLY VOTE ME MISS AMERICA!" Hagrid sighed in relief, surely a thirty day diet couldn't be that bad, or could it?

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Thanks all of you people who reviewed, I'll mention you in the next chapter. Include anything you want in your reviews, I'm always open for suggestions.


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